Dear Diary, I had a “Crazy” Day

Posted by Melanie in Dear Diary, Mel & Me, Our Story | 1 comment

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was a crazy day.  And by that, I mean that I made myself a little crazy.  I created a world I don’t really want to live in–but only in my head. It has been a tough week.  I have been sharing the Crucible with a focus group and I also took some entries to my writing group.  Then, one of my kids told me “gay” is a bad word.  We talked about it, and then I talked with the vice-principal to try to figure this out and to help the kids understand why they shouldn’t say “you’re gay” but not because “gay” is a bad word.

All this has been going on, and then I sent out a page of the Crucible as a way to “come out” to a new friend about our family.  I sent the page to her on Friday with a note that said how vulnerable I felt sharing it with her.  Mostly I felt vulnerable because she is religious, and I honestly never know how some religious people will respond to our family.  I say this, and yet in our little world, we have been extraordinarily safe.  We simply haven’t come across many people who don’t like our family because we are queer. That said, I don’t test friendships with religious people very often.  But we met some people we really liked and we had them over for drinks.  It became clear to me that it was time to tell them.  So I sent a page that described The Crucible Bookii and waited to hear back.  Five days passed and I heard nothing about what I had sent her. I really couldn’t believe it.  I am accustomed to the world surprising me with its acceptance.  Could it be that she actually wasn’t going to respond to my coming out at all?  I sent her the link on Friday, and by Wednesday I was pretty upset.  I decided to send one more note, “Did you read what I sent?”  Several hours went by and I was feeling devastated and hurt/angry/sad.  I honestly don’t know what all the emotions were, but I was in a dark place.  I didn’t want my world to be that way, that someone I offered my friendship to would read my story and then just never talk to me again.  I felt sick.  I wondered if I would be able to do this project and put myself on the line after all.  For 9 months I have been strong and empowered and confident, and all of a sudden, the whole project is in jeopardy. Mel held me as I sobbed.  “I don’t want this to be my world,” I sobbed.

And then I made cookies – Snickerdoodles from my grade 7 home economics class with Mrs. Munoz.  They are the cookies we make with the ingredients we have on hand all the time–they don’t require any extra planning like chocolate chip cookies do.  I ate a lot of cookies.  I watched TV.  I tried to escape my despair.  About 7pm I got a message from my friend.  It was kind and affirming and she said all of the right things.  It was all okay.  Well… not really.  I got plunged deep into my greatest fears, and I realized at that moment just how short the journey is from my sweet safe life to hate and despair.

This morning I feel hungover and I don’t think it’s the cookies.  I am keenly aware of my own vulnerability as I move forward with this project.  The internet is full of nasty comments about the GLBT community.  I believe from the bottom of my heart in this project and sharing my story with the world.  I am shocked by my own fragility and the risk to my soul in going forward.