Unhappy In Your Marriage? Lower Your Expectations!
Unhappy Couple
In the early days of our relationship, I used to think if we worked really hard at it, we could make our marriage better. I longed for a relationship where we told each other everything, met each others’ needs and kissed each other madly at the end of every separation. In short, I wanted more. I worked hard to get it and asked my spouse to work hard, too.
In retrospect, all that longing wasn’t great for my relationship. Asking for my partner to give me more, didn’t make our relationship better. However, the desire to reduce all that conflict kept us in dialogue and helped us to change our marriage. Instead of asking for more of each other, the phrase that we laugh about repeatedly is, “If you aren’t happy in your marriage, lower your expectations!”
After that, Mel always says, “If that doesn’t work, lower them some more.”
In our early marriage, I had an unspoken expectation that it was Mel’s job to make me happy. Over the years, I have heard my clients suffer with these expectations. I was in agony and I hear my clients in agony because their expectations are unmet. I had to realize Mel signed up to do life with me, not in service to me. Understanding that changed everything. I watch Mel work extremely hard in our lives and I appreciate it. I realize if there is something around our house that needs doing, then I can do it, or request that he do it. And, as a kind and loving husband, he is usually happy to help with my request. I had to lower the expectations of what marriage should be (I often think of “should” as a dirty word!), and
had to start appreciating what marriage is.
Lowering expectations has worked wonders for our marriage–and laughing about it hasn’t hurt, either. Not having expectations of the way it is “supposed to be” has allowed us to appreciate the contributions from all of our family members. It allows us an opportunity to stay in a place of gratitude rather than disappointment. Somehow, without the conflict, I have found the intensity and intimacy I wanted. It wasn’t by asking for it, it was by appreciating my husband and by being intimate with him.
People end marriages all the time because they don’t measure up to the preconceived idea they have of how it “should” be. For us, the joy has come in allowing our marriage to unfold and being grateful for the glorious twists, turns, and offerings. It feels good.
By the way, John Gottman, a relationship expert and researcher backs this up with his research. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman reveals that 69% of all marital problems are perpetual–that means they can’t be solved. By lowering our expectations, we were able to stop focusing on the perpetual problems. Gottman also talks about what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Blame and Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling, and Contempt. Getting rid of expectations has helped us clear some of these from our relationship.
