Toilet Paper Holder

Posted by Melanie in Family, Featured | 1 comment

Changing the toilet paper roll is sometimes sort of like a spiritual practice for me–at least I try to make it a spiritual practice.  Sometimes it is okay.  Sometimes other people change it. Sometimes I don’t even notice it.  Sometimes, when the world is throwing me a few more curve balls than I was planning on, or if I am tired, then the toilet paper starts to get on my nerves.  When we are busy and we have lots of guests, we have to change the toilet paper more often so it becomes a symbol of impinging overwhelm in my life.  It becomes a tangible indicator of feelings of too much life in my living. I think when I was a kid, my mom made a big deal about the toilet paper.  I think I got in trouble if I didn’t change the roll.  I think it is one of the few areas of my life that I have a guilty conscience.  If I use the end of the toilet paper, no matter where I am, I feel the obligation to change the roll of toilet paper. I start to feel like every time I sit down for a little moment alone in the bathroom, I can’t just enjoy the moment–there is work to do.  I have to change the toilet paper roll.  At these times when I start to be annoyed by this daily practice, I start to have it happen everywhere, like yoga, where I go for quiet retreat.  If I go to a restaurant, then they magically run out of toilet paper as soon as I arrive and I have to change the roll.  Friend’s houses, public places, I can’t escape it.  Sometimes it seems like I change 4 or 5 rolls a day.  I can’t escape it. I run through little breathing exercises as I change it.  I take a breath, calm myself, and think positive thoughts.   Sometimes I try just changing it–day after day–carry water, make fire, change the roll, water, fire, put on a new roll. I change the roll so that everyone in our house will feel loved and cared for–I realize the futility of this as I write.  I never feel cared for because there is toilet paper.  I take it for granted until it isn’t there.   I try to figure out how to change my toilet paper changing lot in life.  Sometimes I worry that none of my three children actually know how to change a roll so I bring them into the bathroom and have them demonstrate how to change a toilet paper roll.  But that seems mean, so maybe I only fantasize about that–think of it as an option.  I don’t have the patience to actually teach in these moments so maybe I haven’t ever shown my boys how to do it.  I am realizing this as I am writing.  Maybe I expected they would learn by osmosis.  Now  I am wondering if this is just another area that I am not quite patient enough in their lives and they will someday graduate and move on without actually knowing how to put on a fresh roll of TP. Sometimes I feel despair about the repetitive nature of my life and the toilet paper roll is but a metaphor.  I want to travel and be on adventures.  There is unspoken longing in my soul and being the toilet paper holder reminds me how small and repetitive my life is.  I want to say something positive now…to end this article on a positive note about how I will do better or it isn’t such a big deal.  I would be lying.  It is what it is.  It is the symbol of the tiny ways that our lives have meaning and don’t have meaning all at the same time.

I just had an idea.  I am going to start with gratitude every time there IS toilet paper.  I am going to say “thank you” to the world for meeting my needs.  Maybe that will change my mindset.