Yoga Shame
Yoga Challenge
(c)Melanie Parish, 2013
I have been meaning to share this for a while now, but as with all things shame related, it’s hard. It happened a couple of weeks ago. It wasn’t anything horrific or bad but it has gotten in the way of my practice for a while now, so the shame is clearly lingering.
I was super tired one day lying on my mat doing a full class shavasana. I thought it was going well. I had that crazy sense of time where I felt like I was in deep relaxation but every time I had awareness, another 15 minutes had gone by. Then the teacher touched my wrist. “You are snoring,” she mouthed.
Then I felt the shame. Oh no! I was really embarrassed. I stopped doing shavasana and started doing some poses. I couldn’t trust myself not to go back to sleep. I felt a sense of panic. Had I embarrassed myself? How loud was I snoring. Did I disrupt people?
I felt the need to apologize after class to the instructor. She said all the right things–“It happens to all of us, it’s no big deal, don’t worry about it.”
I thought it was over. I let it go. I went about my yoga practice for the next week. It was the most tiring week yet. I was getting more and more exhausted. And then I realized what was happening. I was worried about doing long shavasanas because I was worried I would snore. I was exhausting myself because of shame.
I confessed my transgression to a couple of women in the locker room.
“I snored last week in class,” I shared.
“Just lie on your side,” one friend suggested.
I am still struggling with this in my head although I have been conscious of how this continues to affect my yoga practice. Before, I felt more free and able to rest when I needed it. Now I am conscious of trying to do long shavasanas when I am not so sleepy. Although I have to say I miss the yoga naps!
