Sitting Vigil, Metaphorically
Sitting Vigil
(c)Melanie Parish, 2014
My friend is dying. No matter how many mental gymnastics my brain does, no matter how sad I feel, no matter what I do every day, this underlies my thoughts all the time. I will spare you the long medical descriptions of all the things that went wrong. It is cancer and it has been extremely fast. My friend lives on my block and I knew she was having some health challenges but this has been completely unexpected and shocking. Her name is Carmen and thoughts of the journey she and her family are on is
haunting my days and my nights. Tears flow.
We met Carm and her husband 12 years ago when we moved to our street. We were new to Canada and they had a daughter close to our daughter’s age. They were kind and welcoming to us. We were initially wary. They are both police officers. I didn’t quite trust the police to be warm and welcoming to our little queer family. They were both. We hung out. We started a bed and breakfast and they were curious about it. Eventually, they started one too. We had a party every December for Mel’s birthday. One year Carm came with her badge prominently displayed on her pants–she had just come from work.
“Carm, can you take off your badge?” I asked. “You’re making some of our guests nervous.”
“Oh, sorry,” she replied. “I went home and left my gun there. I forgot to leave my badge.”
“It’s a party killer,” I quipped. I haven’t mentioned yet that Carm is stunningly beautiful, about 6 feet tall, and has blonde curly hair. She is striking. She was hard to miss at the party.
In the beginning, our daughter spent time at their house, and their daughter spent time at our house. They swam in our pool, explored the street and hung out with the neighbour girls. They had fun and it helped my daughter get oriented to a new country and new culture. Their kids were in our wedding. As they all got older, they started to have more friends from their different schools. We had twin babies and ended up with a different focus for a while. Eventually, the girls got to high school and grew apart and stopped hanging out. Normal kid stuff. I always thought when the kids were grown, we would find time to hang out together again. I really enjoy their company.
It has been a while since we have seen Carm’s family. My daughter and I ran into Carm at the grocery store about a year ago and it was great to see her and catch up a bit. I have seen the kids driving out of their driveway from time to time. I think of her often because she has what I have always thought of as the typical Hamilton accent. She has a lyrical voice and often people remind me of her. So she pops up in my mind frequently.
A neighbour told me on Saturday that Carm had been told to prepare for end of life. I have been trying to get my head around it ever since then.
I dropped off a card for her husband and kids on Saturday. I wanted them to know how much we care about their family. That they are important to us and we are so sorry this is happening. He called us and we were grateful he found time to talk with us. I feel regret that we were just too busy to invite them over, to see them and to talk and be a part of their lives. I know intellectually this regret is silly. There are probably hundreds of people who are in this category that we wish we knew better and we have limited time. That said, I am going to stay focused on connecting with our friends and making sure we make the time to reach out and stay connected to the people who matter to us.
I won’t see Carm again. There are so many people who are family and close friends who are trying to see her. She has some lucid moments but those are for her children and her husband. They have friends who are cutting their grass, making meals, stocking their fridge and taking care of them. There is literally nothing I can do. So I sit vigil. I think of her dying and the excruciating pain her family must be going through. I send them my love. It is all I can do. I am not a part of their community so I am alone, sitting vigil trying to “be” with this cancer monstrosity that is taking the life of my friend. Godspeed, Carm….
