“So, How Did You Meet Your Husband?”

Posted by Melanie in Featured, Free, Mel & Me, Our Story, Podcasts | 1 comment

Podcast: So, How Did You Meet Your Husband

Taken in 2009
By Dan Banko

It usually happens when we are hanging out with new people.  For them it seems like an innocuous question… “So, how did you meet your husband?”  It is a gentle way of creating intimacy and learning more about people–almost a conversational gift from them to me, at least it would be, if we were a traditional family.  I try to avoid an audible intake of breath and my mind races.  I run down a rabbit hole of questions in my mind.   Do I trust them?  Do I feel like coming out of the proverbial closet?  Am I safe?  How will it affect my children?  Have I missed considering anything?  Am I safe?  Will I be safe?

Sometimes at this stage if the answer to any of these questions is “no” or even “maybe,” then I will just say, “We met at church.”  It is when there is intimacy in the relationship or a real possibility of friendship starting that I feel like that answer doesn’t work.  It is denying the opportunity for intimacy, and I realize I want to share another piece of my story with the other person.  I realize my relationship can be deeper and more real if I take the leap.

I did meet my husband at church in August of 2000.  I was newly divorced.  I had started a young adult group at the church with my friend Zoe.  My main goal was to find a new partner/spouse whose  values were similar to mine.  I wanted a more spiritual relationship, I knew I wanted more children, and I liked being married–at least I thought I would if I was married to the right person.

I had a list.  I was looking for my perfect guy.  Some of the things on the list were that he be tall (6ft), play games with my family (board games and cards, not head games), like the movie Airplane, be kind, share similar Unitarian Universalist values, want children, have a higher education, have a career path, be financially solvent, etc.

I forgot to say “male” on my list and in August of  2000 I met “Melissa” or “Mel”  whom I can best describe back then as a very androgynous looking person.  As a fairly new Unitarian, I tried to be open-minded.  I knew I was supposed to be GLBT  friendly (Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender).  I had never really been around too many butch lesbians and I was terrified of Mel.  I just remember feeling completely uncomfortable with the idea of talking with Mel or being alone and trying to act normally.  I wanted to be nice, but Mel scared me.  I quickly talked to someone else.  I thought having a “gay” person in our group was good diversity but maybe someone else could talk to Mel.

Now, I can remember the feeling, but I feel some shame over how I felt about Mel.  In my head Mel was the “other” and I kept “others” at arm’s length.  Not good, but honest.  We had a standing young adult lunch after church each week and we were going to an all you can eat salad bar.  Mel was one of the few people who came and Mel sat next to me.  Mel didn’t order any food which I assumed was because Mel couldn’t afford lunch (I later found out Mel was just dieting and didn’t want to brave an all you can eat buffet).  I made polite conversation but really we didn’t talk about much during that lunch.

Then over the next 3 months we started to get to know each other.  I found out Mel had a wicked, dark sense of humor.  We started to have conversations.  Once, only Mel and I showed up for the young adult lunch.  My daughter was with me and we had a really great time.  I don’t remember what we talked about, but it was fun.  One day we were sitting next to each other in church and he put his arm on the back of the pew behind me.  I got a feeling like a big strong guy had just put his arm around me.  I got a little weak in the knees.  One day he made an off-hand, off-color comment that made me curious.  We flirted.  He asked questions that shook my foundations and made me interested in him.

We had a date.  I tried to send him away.  I didn’t.  We were lovers.

At this point in our relationship I was terrified that I would lose my family if I was gay.  I also knew I would lose a piece of me if I wasn’t willing to be in a relationship that seemed so right.  I had to choose  between being myself and being afraid of what the world would think of me.  I told Mel I didn’t think it was going to work.

The next day I was looking in the mirror feeling disappointed in myself.  I actually really looked at my face in the mirror and I realized I didn’t want to be the person who was afraid to explore the world in any way I chose.  I was afraid my parents wouldn’t love me anymore.  I couldn’t fathom what my grandfather would say.  My conservative Texas relatives would hate me.  What would my friends think?  I finally got to a point in my head where being afraid was worse than the idea of everyone I loved abandoning me.  I realized that if they would walk away from me because of who I loved, then I wasn’t living on very solid foundations after all.

I called Mel and I asked Mel to teach me more about who he is.  He gave me the book Stone Butch Blues.  I read it and asked some questions.  We went for a walk and I asked him questions about who he is. I learned that Mel was more than a butch lesbian and started to ask questions about Mel’s gender. Mel gave me the best answers he had and I got more and more comfortable with who he was. At that point in our lives, Mel was transgender but it wasn’t something we shared—it was private.

I knew that we had similar shared values and that we wanted the same things.  I had so much respect for Mel, I knew I had to be ready to be “in a relationship” if I dated Mel.  I couldn’t just play around and try it on.  I knew it had to be real in order to honor the lovely human being Mel is, so I found myself very quickly in a very serious relationship.

My mother visited in May and met Mel.  She has great intuition and she could tell we were having a relationship but she didn’t know what to say.  At the end of her trip, I told her.  It was pretty rough on her.  She is very Presbyterian and is very connected to her church and her church community.  She told my father when she got home.  I was spent.  It was incredibly stressful to come out to my parents.  For my parents, it was completely out of left field.  And I understood.  It came out of left field for me, too.

Eventually we were able to get married in Ontario and eventually Mel transitioned, that is, changed his appearance and how he presents himself in the world. When I think about his transition, I always think he stayed the same, but by changing his appearance, the world changed in the way they interact with him.

So, when people ask me, “How did you meet your husband,” I have to decide how much of this story to share.

By the way, I know my story isn’t the same as everyone else’s story.  I know most people who are gay or lesbian know at a very young age.  I had a choice because I chose to be with someone who was transgender and we all choose our relationships, not our orientation.  My story is different and maybe even a little  bit interesting, but there is a lot of political baggage with saying that people choose to be gay.  So, I worry a little bit about publishing my story because I don’t want to harm anyone who is being marginalized because they didn’t have a choice about their orientation.

Anyway, that’s how I met my husband.

Podcast: So, How Did You Meet Your Husband

The Crucible Bookii is my story as it continues to unfold and how I see the world from my perch on the edge of the Crucible…because falling in love changed everything.  To read more about our story,  may I suggest What Does Mel Think of Being Written About in The Crucible?