Today was the hardest day of yoga of all. I didn’t make it to class. Or “to my mat” as the yoga people say (I think they say this, I am still a total newbie!). There were two times I could have possibly made it to yoga. Neither worked. As each one passed, I felt some loss and attachment to my 21 days of yoga. I watched my attachment and let it go. I felt loss, I watched it. I let it go. I am a mother first and my children needed me today. I have become attached to my yoga. I followed up with a friend who says she can take my kids with her to church this morning so I can go to yoga. I can’t wait to get back to my mat. I am completely aware of my life and my choices and how it is okay to take care of myself in the ways that I can–not always exactly how I want to. The class tomorrow isn’t the exact class I wish I could take, but it is a great class and I am so grateful I can go. I can’t wait! I am still going to make my 21 classes in 21 days–now I just have to find a time when I can do 2 classes in one day to make it all...
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I figured out a play-date for my kids and am feeling so excited about being able to do some yoga today before I drive to an event in Stratford for my daughter Sela’s school. I am excited about having an evening with her. She called yesterday and said she was free earlier and I could come see her before the event, but I decided to honor my commitment to yoga and myself and keep my yoga date. I get to class right before it starts and find a spot on the floor. I breathe and lie on my mat and I don’t quite feel like I have enough time before class starts. I want more time to lie down and breathe. Class starts in a new way and I realize I don’t know what class I am in. I keep up through the first poses and I realize I am able to reach my hands behind my thighs in a way I couldn’t even yesterday. Isn’t that nifty, I think to myself. Then class gets really hard. I can’t keep up. I still have no idea what the class is but I am completely intimidated. I try to do enough to get a work-out but have to spend a fair bit of time on my back on the mat. The teacher asks me twice if I am okay. I say yes, and I am, but I am feeling some shame that I can’t keep up. It is a mild shame–if that makes sense. The gap between these people and me is so great that it shames me until I get really humble. I decide I am okay exactly where I am and it is okay that I am on my journey. I try more poses and actually realize I have done more in this class than in any other class–I am getting better. Then my shoulders get sore and my knee starts to hurt. The voice of the teacher from the first day comes...
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It is my third day of yoga. I can’t do the 6:30 am class because it is silent yoga and I am sure I am not yet ready for that. I still have no idea what I am doing or what the sequences are. I am going to try a 2pm class and will go straight to get the boys afterward. Not sure if I will have time to shower or not but am glad there is a class that works for me. I get to Moksha just before class. “I am running,” I say, as I check in. “You have lots of time,” the woman behind the counter says. “Really?” I ask, surprised “Seven minutes,” she replies. I laugh at my own sense of hurry and how seven minutes can be a lot of time or a little. I am ready for yoga. The class is full. I find a place by the door. I again notice the space under my lower back as I lie down. I focus on my breathing and after five minutes I feel totally connected to my mat, the floor, the earth. I do more poses this time and am really enjoying how my body feels outside of yoga. I am feeling more solid on my legs than I have in a long time. I wore heels yesterday and felt really comfortable in them. I am feeling my muscles but am not physically very tired. Probably because I am mostly still lying on the floor trying to keep from overheating. I am having a dialogue in my head wondering if I am fooling myself by thinking that I am going to yoga, doing a few poses and then lying around on the floor sweating and calling it exercise. I am trying to still this voice and convince myself that if I want to lie on the floor, it is fine and if I come and continue to show up and be present, I will be doing more and...
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I got really excited when I was doing some laundry and I saw a beach towel that isn’t too crazy that has about the right texture to use for yoga. I have a yoga towel! Woo hoo! I have packed a bag for yoga so I try showering after. I didn’t shower yesterday and I felt grimy and a little cold as I left. With all that sweat, showering seems like a more pleasant alternative. And I think I have time to shower and get home to do kid lunches and get them out the door. I can be home by 8am. I still feel a little shy as I go into Moksha. I have my new mat which I removed from the paper wrap in the car so I don’t look “new.” I have my beach towel and my water bottle and my bag. I take my wallet out of my purse and leave it locked in the car so I can take my purse in and keep my Prius smart key there. I’ll have to figure this out. There are no lockers inside, so I need a system for my stuff that doesn’t feel awkward. I get into the studio and lay my mat down. I had a hard time hearing yesterday so I try to get a spot closer to the middle. It is warm but I am looking forward to my time on my mat. I am looking forward to the time lying quietly on my back. I want the quiet and I want to see if my body relaxes again. I lie down and as before, I notice my lower back being a bit uncomfortable as I lie down. I am conscious of the gap between my lower back and the floor. Five minutes later, the feeling is gone. I feel supported completely by the floor. I feel solid, held and relaxed on my mat. I am able to do a few more poses this time and I remember...
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