I have fallen off the yoga wagon this last couple of months. After almost daily yoga and a 30 day challenge in May, I went to some yoga in June and very little in July. I am nursing a shoulder injury that aches fairly often and it has given me the excuse I needed to not practice yoga regularly. This morning I looked at the clock at 6am and realized if I hurried a little, I could make it to yoga. Ironically, it was the pain in my shoulder that woke me up about 5am. I went to a Moksha class and decided I would try not doing the postures that might inflame my shoulder. I had a fabulous work-out and I realize how much I have been missing the breathing at yoga. It keeps me so aware of my breath all day. I really liked when I was doing daily yoga and I never had to think about whether I was doing enough exercise. It was handled. I have been missing that. I know historically I am not good at maintaining an exercise program so I need strong boundaries or rules. I was just thinking about what worked today that hasn’t worked other days. I realized it takes a certain amount of bravery for me to do physical exercise. It doesn’t always feel good to my body. It is a slightly unpleasant sensation when I am doing it but afterward I feel fantastic. It reminds me of one of the early days after Mel’s transition where he told me one of the big differences after testosterone is that exercise FEELS GOOD. I remember being curious about that at the time and today made me think of it again. That takes me to bravery. So, I have always found that I am most compliant with a first-thing-in-the-morning exercise class. If the day gets later, I have gathered more and more data and reasons why I shouldn’t go to work out. I let myself off...
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I have been meaning to share this for a while now, but as with all things shame related, it’s hard. It happened a couple of weeks ago. It wasn’t anything horrific or bad but it has gotten in the way of my practice for a while now, so the shame is clearly lingering. I was super tired one day lying on my mat doing a full class shavasana. I thought it was going well. I had that crazy sense of time where I felt like I was in deep relaxation but every time I had awareness, another 15 minutes had gone by. Then the teacher touched my wrist. “You are snoring,” she mouthed. Then I felt the shame. Oh no! I was really embarrassed. I stopped doing shavasana and started doing some poses. I couldn’t trust myself not to go back to sleep. I felt a sense of panic. Had I embarrassed myself? How loud was I snoring. Did I disrupt people? I felt the need to apologize after class to the instructor. She said all the right things–“It happens to all of us, it’s no big deal, don’t worry about it.” I thought it was over. I let it go. I went about my yoga practice for the next week. It was the most tiring week yet. I was getting more and more exhausted. And then I realized what was happening. I was worried about doing long shavasanas because I was worried I would snore. I was exhausting myself because of shame. I confessed my transgression to a couple of women in the locker room. “I snored last week in class,” I shared. “Just lie on your side,” one friend suggested. I am still struggling with this in my head although I have been conscious of how this continues to affect my yoga practice. Before, I felt more free and able to rest when I needed it. Now I am conscious of trying to do long shavasanas when I am not so sleepy....
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I didn’t succeed at my 200 day challenge. I just couldn’t complete the number of classes I would need to make up to do it. I took my son to New Mexico for spring break, I couldn’t find a yoga studio, I got asked to work in California, and I realized I was just not going to complete my 200 days of yoga challenge. It was a disappointment to realize I wasn’t going to make 200 yoga classes in 200 days. It was a challenge I liked. In the back of my head, I had hoped I could continue and could actually do 365 classes in 365 days. I wanted to know what a year of yoga would do for my body. How would I be different. I was fascinated by the idea that I would do yoga every day and I could see the impact it would have on my life. But I never scaled back my travel or other activities. I wanted it all. I realized I am more diverse than just yoga. I want a rich and full life and I want to travel. I am not willing to give up travel to do yoga. So here I am, trying to find a standard and doing mostly daily yoga. I have been trying to figure out my “new normal.” If I don’t do yoga every day, then how much yoga do I do? I also love the benefits of going almost every day. I like how daily yoga impacts my life. It is a practice and I like practicing yoga almost every day. I really struggled over this and it felt like a real journey for me to figure it out. In my life, I haven’t been good at regular exercise. I don’t wake up and think “exercise sounds good” because mostly it doesn’t. I would rather read a book on the couch. So I had some fear that if I didn’t do yoga every day, then I might just stop...
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I breathe, I rest, I lie face up on my mat with my head toward the mirror. I feel my shoulder blades under me opening up my chest. I stretch my feet just outside the sides of my mat. I place my heels just over the ridge that is my mat onto the floor. I let my feet fall outward. My palms face up. Ready to receive, I think. My head tilts back slightly. I breathe deep into my belly. When I do the first deep breath on my mat, sometimes there is a breath so deep it is like it finds an extra pocket in my lungs and more air goes in at the end. Not every breath is like that but when it happens there is a sweet release. My favorite breath starts with a really good exhale. Sometimes I realize I don’t really finish breathing out before it is time to breathe in again. I lie in shavasana trying to keep my mind clear, focusing on my breath. As thoughts come, sometimes I try to clear them, sometimes I watch and release them, sometimes I work too hard trying to turn them off. As I become more fit, my mind is more and more active. I am having more and more challenges as my mind tries to get work done during my yoga practice. In the beginning, this was almost a non-issue. I was really working on the postures and breathing and I didn’t have all those racing thoughts. Now I actually need strategies for my emerging thoughts. I have tried breathing and holding a thought like “clear” or “present’ in my mind with each breath. The other night during a discussion about meditation, a guy I had just met told me to notice my thoughts and release them so I have been trying that, although I have to admit, I may lack some discernment by implementing new methods into my yoga practice just because I talked to a guy...
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I think I just committed to 200 days of yoga. As I wrote the title, it seemed right. I missed my 100 yoga classes in 100 days but I realized that if I extended the time, I could catch up. I am still down 8 classes, but I can make up those classes and still meet the 200 days of yoga goal. I had to really think about why I am doing this yoga challenge. For a while I wondered if I am being obsessive in my daily commitment. I found it incredibly challenging to be with failing to make my 100 day goal. Often in my life, not making a goal would make me quit and wander off–losing the benefit of what I was doing. In this case, I was more interested in digging deep, to keep going, and to try to meet a future goal. When the people at the studio found out I was doing a 100 day challenge, I noticed a little touch of ego. It got me attention and that worried me. I don’t want my daily practice to be about feeding my ego. I want it to be about the practice–me, my mat, and my breath. I have wondered if I could trust myself to let go of my daily routine because I am not sure I trust myself to make good decisions about exercise if I don’t have strong boundaries. I didn’t like setting a goal that was about me not being good enough to do it without a daily commitment. It seemed to be coming from fear instead of abundance. I have been really paying attention to why I love daily yoga so much. There is something I get if I go daily that I wouldn’t get if I went 3 or 4 times a week. It is rest. When I am there daily, it is impossible for me to work out hard every day. I get tired. My feet hurt. I get sore. Going...
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It has become clear to me that I am not going to make my goal of 100 yoga classes in 100 days. The end of the 100 days is about 10 days away and I am down 9 classes. It was an optimistic goal. I was on track until I went on a trip. Then I got caught in the polar vortex for an extra 4 nights in Orlando. I have counted so many times to see if I could make it. It is theoretically possible, but not in a way that feels sane or reasonable in my busy life. I am noticing my attachment and I am allowing failure intentionally–watching it happen–because it feels like the right thing to do. I don’t have regret, although I still wish it was different. It is a disappointed dream for me personally as I will be 7-9 classes short of my goal. Now I need a new goal. I have realized I have the possibility of continuing on and resetting the goal for 125 classes in 125 days or 150 classes in 150 days. It would give me time to double up some classes on the weekends. I notice my attachment to this structure of lots of classes and how it makes me feel a little bit special. Maybe I should let it go and just allow myself to be “normal”. Someone who goes to yoga sometimes. I know I have other travel happening soon. I wonder if I will just get behind again–maybe life will “happen” again and again. I worry about my commitment level. I don’t have a great track record with exercise. The daily commitment really has worked for me because there is no opportunity for excuses. I go daily. The goal of daily yoga has served my body, my mind, and my spirit. I don’t like that I don’t trust myself to “do” yoga without a big picture goal. Or maybe that goal is just helping me do what doesn’t...
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