A few months ago, Mel spent the evening making some home-made applesauce with the apples from our tree in the backyard. He used his grandmother’s recipe. The apples are tart and small and delicious if you have a lot of time to work with them. He peeled and chopped about 40 apples and we ate all the applesauce for dinner. I remember my grandmother having containers and containers of home-made applesauce. I wonder how my ancestors managed to preserve so much food. For the last couple of years, I have been working to try to put some food away. I am shocked by the volume of food that is required if I want to eat it during the winter. I buy what I consider large quantities of things–a bushel of tomatoes, a flat of strawberries, and they disappear as I make jam or sauce. That is kind of what happened with the apples. I have been judging myself by a tough standard, I realized. I am the first woman in my family to continue in a career after I married. The women I admire who were fantastic at putting food away were housewives. If it were my job to put food away, I imagine I would be a fair bit better at it. I picture them never really sitting down, but then I think of the handwork my grandmother did–always making something–and I realize she had to sit down for that. And she watched her soap operas. I am not sure her life was quite as full as I thought it was. She had some down time I think. I spend my time in front of a computer. It is ironic that I work and feel lazy because I can’t do all the tasks women from previous generations...
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I always feel a little odd when I think about my “roots.” Same with blood and blood lines and “family ties.” It is because I am adopted and I simply don’t know how to “hold” these words in my soul. I simply haven’t ever been able to make a decision about how to think about these concepts. I have always known it would be easier if I had some… conviction about it. It is the indecision that comes with having to choose which family to identify with as my connection to the past, my ancestors. It leaves me feeling a bit lost. I know I could decide to call either my biological family my “roots” or my adopted family my “family ties.” But neither quite feels true to me. I have always been comforted by the stories in both families that I am a tiny bit Cherokee. Somehow by having the same lineage in both families, it is true. I feel connection to the possessions of those I loved and those of their ancestors that they loved. I feel less connected to family reunions, family trees, and the concept of “ancestors.” When I was 21 years old my birth mother searched for me. I met her and much of her family. They were nice people and I enjoyed visiting with them. I was in a relationship with them for a while and then for a variety of reasons backed away for a number of years. I reconnected with my birth mother a few years ago. It is a fairly casual relationship now–we talk by phone a few times a year. I have liked the concept of genealogy and tracing roots since I first heard of it. I love the idea of being a detective, tracing people through genealogical lines and learning their stories. But I always stop before I engage because I wouldn’t know which family to trace. Neither feels right. My biological family because it is lacking the love—I don’t really care how...
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On August 30, 2013 we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. This is obviously a big deal for us. We never had a honeymoon, so we went to Europe for a month this summer. Also, we decided to take our kids. We figure we have about 5 more years before they’re teenagers, and we didn’t want to leave them behind. I find that even though our 10th anniversary has passed, I am not quite done with it yet. For whatever reason, this 10 year anniversary date had lots of meaning for me. Maybe more than any other date. I am not a person that remembers all the important dates. I remember birthdays for my family and my anniversary. I don’t connect to death dates although I know other people do and try to be aware of those days. My mother connects with those days and she is the family archivist. I am reassured that she has all that information even though I don’t always want to know it. Anyway, I wanted to post a few pictures from our wedding and I wanted to tell you a little bit about it. We got married right after same-sex marriage became legal in 2003. We had been in Canada about a year. We knew we wanted to get married. We had even talked about me establishing residency in Belgium by living there for 6 months so we could marry there. Marriage was an extremely important value for us and if there was a way to marry, we were going to do it. My brother visited in June, right after it was legal in Ontario, and we would have done a small intimate wedding while he was here, but since I had a foreign divorce (we were shocked to find that the USA divorce needed a written legal opinion from a Canadian lawyer), we had to submit the necessary paper work and wait. That led to planning a wedding later in the summer and then we figured we might...
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Since I first brought her home, Been surprised by the intensity of my love. I didn’t know I could love that deeply. When she was little and would get hurt, Been surprised by the sickness in the pit of my stomach. Now she is living on her own, Been surprised by the sense of well-being since she is home visiting. I didn’t know there’d be a little worry in the back of my mind No matter where she is or where I am, I am conscious of her in my subconscious. Been surprised it is there for her all the time. I wonder what new lessons about love I will have Been surprised by what I learned from this creature, my daughter. I didn’t know if I would love my boys the same way. They are so different and a unit–twins. Been surprised that I love them every bit as much–but each love is different. It was the newness of the eldest child that first taught me about love. My learning now comes from daily practice of carrying them with me in my...
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When my 4-year old twins, Emerson and Xander, were in kindergarten I got to visit their classroom. I noticed how many of the challenges we see in leadership teams have roots early on in the kindergarten classroom. I have to say, my children’s teacher was brilliant. I watched her blend great facilitation, inquiry, and relationship skills while keeping the interest of 17 busy 4 year olds for an hour. I saw her demonstrate great leadership skills herself, but I also saw her teaching leadership skills—something I work hard to teach leaders to do. Here’s what I saw: She has a busy classroom and sets it up in such a way that the children are rarely in trouble. She doesn’t keep them sitting too long or chastise them for talking. She creates time in the schedule for them to talk to each other—she believes in their relationships with each other. She fits the learning into their natural flow. She doesn’t keep herself at the center of their learning—she creates opportunities for them to learn in a variety of ways—she strategizes how they can learn from a variety of people. One of these opportunities is the third graders who come in to read to the kindergarteners once a week—they have a buddy system and they love it. This is teaching two skills: mentoring and helping others, and learning from others. She had another staff member come in and work with the children around the topic of responsibility. There was a book reading and a heated discussion led by the staff member, and I saw the teacher talking about responsibility during the time the kids got their coats and boots off and hung them up, and again when a child spilled a tub of small toys and they all helped pick them up. During circle time, I watched this teacher do 3 things that blew me away: the first was an inquiry session with my son Emerson. She asked him to figure out which of the children was...
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To my husband, You are the love of my life. You make my life richer, fuller, more interesting and so full of love. When we decided to join our lives together I had dreams of flowers and romance and making each other happy. And there have been days like that. But the reality of our marriage has been so much more complex. We challenge each other and take on big challenges and lifetime commitments together. We make life changing decisions together. Marriage involves an intimacy that takes my breath away when I allow myself to think about it. You have seen me at my worst and you love me anyway. You have been so incredibly mad at me and still you love me so much. The intimacy of that love year after year is astounding. At every juncture there is a choice to keep committing to our love or to get annoyed, give up and stop. Every time, you choose love. I know you love me because of how you care for our lives. The evidence of the love you have for our family is all around us. It is clear in the way you care for our children and make time for them. It is in the grass you cut, in the swimming pool you maintain, it is in the white picket fence that lines our 2-acre property that you repair and replace pickets for each year. A couple of years ago someone recommended we replace that fence with something that would require less maintenance. I couldn’t imagine trading it in–it is a symbol for me of the love in our lives. Your love shows when you give me the car with the gas tank full and make sure the oil gets changed. We haven’t chosen an easy life, but one full of love and care. You show me that love every day. When we got married, I thought marriage was about love and kisses but what I know now is that being...
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