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Posts Tagged "Bookii"
I have fallen off the yoga wagon this last couple of months. After almost daily yoga and a 30 day challenge in May, I went to some yoga in June and very little in July. I am nursing a shoulder injury that aches fairly often and it has given me the excuse I needed to not practice yoga regularly. This morning I looked at the clock at 6am and realized if I hurried a little, I could make it to yoga. Ironically, it was the pain in my shoulder that woke me up about 5am. I went to a Moksha class and decided I would try not doing the postures that might inflame my shoulder. I had a fabulous work-out and I realize how much I have been missing the breathing at yoga. It keeps me so aware of my breath all day. I really liked when I was doing daily yoga and I never had to think about whether I was doing enough exercise. It was handled. I have been missing that. I know historically I am not good at maintaining an exercise program so I need strong boundaries or rules. I was just thinking about what worked today that hasn’t worked other days. I realized it takes a certain amount of bravery for me to do physical exercise. It doesn’t always feel good to my body. It is a slightly unpleasant sensation when I am doing it but afterward I feel fantastic. It reminds me of one of the early days after Mel’s transition where he told me one of the big differences after testosterone is that exercise FEELS GOOD. I remember being curious about that at the time and today made me think of it again. That takes me to bravery. So, I have always found that I am most compliant with a first-thing-in-the-morning exercise class. If the day gets later, I have gathered more and more data and reasons why I shouldn’t go to work out. I let myself off...
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I took a course from a guy named Larry Byrum in Boulder, Colorado years ago. He teaches classes on relationships and how to find the perfect partner at the Higher Alignment Center. His work is quite interesting and the system he uses has served me well. One of the aspects he talked about was “pace.” Larry used a scale of 1 to 100 to describe pace. I took courses there over 10 years ago, so apologies if I misrepresent his current teachings. He said that for a romantic relationship to work, one needs to be within 20 points of their partner on the “pace” scale. After 20, he said he didn’t recommend it. In our society people make more money if they are faster paced. Those who are slower paced make less money and are sometimes perceived as “lazy” by people who go through life at a faster pace. We have a lot of judgment about pace in our society. Those who are slower paced may wonder if they “should” be doing more. This kind of “should” pops into my work with clients fairly regularly. It is my perspective that there are no “shoulds”–simply lives full of choices, victories and gratitude. I am fairly sure Mel and I are about 20 points apart. When Mel and I are alone together we are fine. We vacation well. Sometimes he gets up early and goes off to do things while I am still hanging out. We are fairly active on vacation so it suits both of us, then I come home tired and rest. Throwing in all the kid stuff can be challenging for me. I am the slowest paced person in my family although Xander may be similar to me in his pacing. The myriad of kids’ activities leaves me exhausted by the end of the school year. Mel does more driving in the evening than I do but the constant comings and goings drain me. I give myself permission to say no to “one more...
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My friend is dying. No matter how many mental gymnastics my brain does, no matter how sad I feel, no matter what I do every day, this underlies my thoughts all the time.
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I have been meaning to share this for a while now, but as with all things shame related, it’s hard. It happened a couple of weeks ago. It wasn’t anything horrific or bad but it has gotten in the way of my practice for a while now, so the shame is clearly lingering. I was super tired one day lying on my mat doing a full class shavasana. I thought it was going well. I had that crazy sense of time where I felt like I was in deep relaxation but every time I had awareness, another 15 minutes had gone by. Then the teacher touched my wrist. “You are snoring,” she mouthed. Then I felt the shame. Oh no! I was really embarrassed. I stopped doing shavasana and started doing some poses. I couldn’t trust myself not to go back to sleep. I felt a sense of panic. Had I embarrassed myself? How loud was I snoring. Did I disrupt people? I felt the need to apologize after class to the instructor. She said all the right things–“It happens to all of us, it’s no big deal, don’t worry about it.” I thought it was over. I let it go. I went about my yoga practice for the next week. It was the most tiring week yet. I was getting more and more exhausted. And then I realized what was happening. I was worried about doing long shavasanas because I was worried I would snore. I was exhausting myself because of shame. I confessed my transgression to a couple of women in the locker room. “I snored last week in class,” I shared. “Just lie on your side,” one friend suggested. I am still struggling with this in my head although I have been conscious of how this continues to affect my yoga practice. Before, I felt more free and able to rest when I needed it. Now I am conscious of trying to do long shavasanas when I am not so sleepy....
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