Unhappy In Your Marriage? Lower Your Expectations!
In the early days of our relationship, I used to think if we worked really hard at it, we could make our marriage better. I longed for a relationship where we told each other everything, met each others’ needs and kissed each other madly at the end of every separation. In short, I wanted more. I worked hard to get it and asked my spouse to work hard, too. In retrospect, all that longing wasn’t great for my relationship. Asking for my partner to give me more, didn’t make our relationship better. However, the desire to reduce all that conflict kept us in dialogue and helped us to change our marriage. Instead of asking for more of each other, the phrase that we laugh about repeatedly is, “If you aren’t happy in your marriage, lower your expectations!” After that, Mel always says, “If that doesn’t work, lower them some more.” In our early marriage, I had an unspoken expectation that it was Mel’s job to make me happy. Over the years, I have heard my clients suffer with these expectations. I was in agony and I hear my clients in agony because their expectations are unmet. I had to realize Mel signed up to do life with me, not in service to me. Understanding that changed everything. I watch Mel work extremely hard in our lives and I appreciate it. I realize if there is something around our house that needs doing, then I can do it, or request that he do it. And, as a kind and loving husband, he is usually happy to help with my request. I had to lower the expectations of what marriage should be (I often think of “should” as a dirty word!), and had to start appreciating what marriage is. Lowering expectations has worked wonders for our marriage–and laughing about it hasn’t hurt, either. Not having expectations of the way it is “supposed to be” has allowed us to appreciate the contributions from all of our family...
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