Screwing Up
I hate the feeling when I screw up. I like to be together, kind, thoughtful, organized, tidy etc—all the good words. However it seems like when I go fast, I start to miss things. I am much better able to be all the good words when I have time to think, time to plan and mental capacity for all the bits and pieces that make up my life. I don’t like messing up. But it happens.
It happens with my kids when I get cranky for no reason. It happens with my husband when I forget to tell him about a meeting in the evening and I don’t come home when he expects me to, I am slow to have important conversations, and generally I start to feel like all the balls are dropping around me. I don’t even have time to think about all the balls that are in the air because I am tidying up all the messes for the balls that are dropping.
For me, this is a sign that I am too busy. I think about my list which looks something like this:
Do 28 day diet
Plan Europe trip
Book accommodations in Europe
Help my daughter problem-solve her school challenges
Help my daughter figure out how to get a Toronto Restaurant apprenticeship
Create curriculum for workshop in two weeks
Communicate with partners about the workshop
Coach clients
Communicate with people interested in coaching
Read client’s new book
Read other client’s new book
Think about hiring a personal trainer
Do client work–web development
Write daily for the Crucible as I committed to my coach
Wash dishes–dishwasher has been broken since September because of rats
Think about buying a new dishwasher when the Pest Control folks come back
Get ready for exchange student who may arrive any time
Read to my kids
Train my dog, or at a bare minimum, get her to the dog park for exercise.
Socialize with friends
As I write this list, it seems even more overwhelming. It is a product of adding new parts to my life while keeping the old parts going. And for some reason, our social calendars are fuller. As our boys get older, we are being invited to more dinners and events. It is fun and it is really busy.
Now I am thinking about what I need. I need some quiet. A day without phone or needs. To be able to consider my own needs.
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I resonate with this so completely.
You have just written a truth and shameful secret that is mine as well. Thanks for sharing – it is helpful to know that someone else experiences this(especially someone who seems to be keeping it together as well as you do!)
It is such a wonderful but hectic life, but such a balancing act. It makes me smile to read your thoughts. I love how you express this process in a way that has compassion and light heartedness. I miss you!