One Day in the Closet

Posted by Melanie in Mel & Me | 2 comments

After deciding to try being in a relationship with Mel, I had to try to figure out how I wanted to “be” in the relationship. I know the rules are different for us, but I didn’t know how I wanted to “be” with those rules.

Also, we were in a new relationship and I wasn’t ready to tell everyone I knew about us because I wanted to keep him to myself.

After we had been together about a week, we went to an event I have come to recall as my “One Day in the Closet”.

This was an event put on by our church and ironically, it was an informational event for congregants about the church becoming a “welcoming congregation”.  Being a “welcoming congregation” is a Unitarian Universalist designation meaning the church is GLBT Friendly. The church has a series of information sessions and then votes to become “a welcoming congregation”.

Mel and I go to this and pretend for the whole day that we aren’t together, that we aren’t a couple. We know most of the people there and we try to “act normally.”  It is agony. I want to hold his hand, I want to sit next to him. I feel physically sick from the deception.  The event goes from 9am-3pm and when the end finally comes, I realize that if I am going to be in a relationship with Mel, then I am not going to hide. I am going to have to be brave enough to come out of the closet and tell everyone I know that we are together.

Even though I am sure I don’t want to be closeted, I am also sure that I want to be safe.  I become acutely aware of the special attention we get if we hold hands in public. I learn to ask myself whether it is safe before I grab Mel’s hand. I look around–usually for conservative looking rednecks–before offering a kiss. I am a rebel, so I like the energy of pushing the boundaries… sometimes. But I notice that the constant vigilance is tiring.

After Mel transitioned, being able to hold hands or just be together in public without that vigilance is one of the best things for me. We are both more and less closeted. More closeted because no one can visually tell we are queer. We are less closeted, because we have no incentive to hide our relationship in public and I don’t feel the stares if we decide to hold hands.  We don’t hide our affection, the world just doesn’t realize our affection is so non-traditional.  We pass for average.

We are leaving soon for Europe and I feel so much safer to “pass” as a heterosexual couple as we travel with our children. We just don’t have to worry about harassment from unknown strangers because we are queer. We get to decide when and what we share with people. It is a different kind of closet, because now we have to decide whether we share or not.

The Crucible Bookii is my story as it continues to unfold and how I see the world from my perch on the edge of the Crucible…because falling in love changed everything.  To read more about our story,  may I suggest Transgender Pronouns