I breathe, I rest, I lie face up on my mat with my head toward the mirror. I feel my shoulder blades under me opening up my chest. I stretch my feet just outside the sides of my mat. I place my heels just over the ridge that is my mat onto the floor. I let my feet fall outward. My palms face up. Ready to receive, I think. My head tilts back slightly. I breathe deep into my belly. When I do the first deep breath on my mat, sometimes there is a breath so deep it is like it finds an extra pocket in my lungs and more air goes in at the end. Not every breath is like that but when it happens there is a sweet release. My favorite breath starts with a really good exhale. Sometimes I realize I don’t really finish breathing out before it is time to breathe in again. I lie in shavasana trying to keep my mind clear, focusing on my breath. As thoughts come, sometimes I try to clear them, sometimes I watch and release them, sometimes I work too hard trying to turn them off. As I become more fit, my mind is more and more active. I am having more and more challenges as my mind tries to get work done during my yoga practice. In the beginning, this was almost a non-issue. I was really working on the postures and breathing and I didn’t have all those racing thoughts. Now I actually need strategies for my emerging thoughts. I have tried breathing and holding a thought like “clear” or “present’ in my mind with each breath. The other night during a discussion about meditation, a guy I had just met told me to notice my thoughts and release them so I have been trying that, although I have to admit, I may lack some discernment by implementing new methods into my yoga practice just because I talked to a guy...
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I think I just committed to 200 days of yoga. As I wrote the title, it seemed right. I missed my 100 yoga classes in 100 days but I realized that if I extended the time, I could catch up. I am still down 8 classes, but I can make up those classes and still meet the 200 days of yoga goal. I had to really think about why I am doing this yoga challenge. For a while I wondered if I am being obsessive in my daily commitment. I found it incredibly challenging to be with failing to make my 100 day goal. Often in my life, not making a goal would make me quit and wander off–losing the benefit of what I was doing. In this case, I was more interested in digging deep, to keep going, and to try to meet a future goal. When the people at the studio found out I was doing a 100 day challenge, I noticed a little touch of ego. It got me attention and that worried me. I don’t want my daily practice to be about feeding my ego. I want it to be about the practice–me, my mat, and my breath. I have wondered if I could trust myself to let go of my daily routine because I am not sure I trust myself to make good decisions about exercise if I don’t have strong boundaries. I didn’t like setting a goal that was about me not being good enough to do it without a daily commitment. It seemed to be coming from fear instead of abundance. I have been really paying attention to why I love daily yoga so much. There is something I get if I go daily that I wouldn’t get if I went 3 or 4 times a week. It is rest. When I am there daily, it is impossible for me to work out hard every day. I get tired. My feet hurt. I get sore. Going...
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It has become clear to me that I am not going to make my goal of 100 yoga classes in 100 days. The end of the 100 days is about 10 days away and I am down 9 classes. It was an optimistic goal. I was on track until I went on a trip. Then I got caught in the polar vortex for an extra 4 nights in Orlando. I have counted so many times to see if I could make it. It is theoretically possible, but not in a way that feels sane or reasonable in my busy life. I am noticing my attachment and I am allowing failure intentionally–watching it happen–because it feels like the right thing to do. I don’t have regret, although I still wish it was different. It is a disappointed dream for me personally as I will be 7-9 classes short of my goal. Now I need a new goal. I have realized I have the possibility of continuing on and resetting the goal for 125 classes in 125 days or 150 classes in 150 days. It would give me time to double up some classes on the weekends. I notice my attachment to this structure of lots of classes and how it makes me feel a little bit special. Maybe I should let it go and just allow myself to be “normal”. Someone who goes to yoga sometimes. I know I have other travel happening soon. I wonder if I will just get behind again–maybe life will “happen” again and again. I worry about my commitment level. I don’t have a great track record with exercise. The daily commitment really has worked for me because there is no opportunity for excuses. I go daily. The goal of daily yoga has served my body, my mind, and my spirit. I don’t like that I don’t trust myself to “do” yoga without a big picture goal. Or maybe that goal is just helping me do what doesn’t...
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In the last few weeks I have lost count and I don’t seem to be able to keep track of how many days I have been doing my yoga challenge. With the business of December, I don’t have any bandwidth for the information. I try to count–I admit it, sometimes during Shavasana, but I can’t really hold onto the thought. Somewhere between 50 and 70 it just stopped mattering. I am just showing up every day as a practice. It feels a little like free-falling and maybe a little crazy. Yoga is definitely a part of my daily practice. I can’t imagine not having it. I had been “banking” some classes–my goal has been to complete 100 classes in 100 days–and I will be out of town for 6 nights in early January. I had 2 classes “banked” when we had an ice storm and the studio was closed for a day and I missed a class. Then I missed a class the next day because I got there without my yoga top and had to leave. I couldn’t picture doing hot yoga in my sweater. I actually had tears as I drove home. I love yoga and in that moment it felt like a loss. I wonder about being too attached to my yoga practice, but I figure it is early days. I am happy I have found exercise that I love, and happy I like the studio and have a place to practice that gives me joy. And it does. It is a lovely place. I need to start counting the days. I will need to pay attention in order to make my 100 classes– or I will need to do some yoga while I am at Disneyworld. I am planning to take my mat. I think that practicing some yoga on my own would make it more my own. If I count that practice toward my 100 days of yoga, my goal will be easier. Maybe easier is perfect for me...
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Today is Day 60. I am noticing more changes and I have been musing on some things. Here’s what I have noticed: 1. My midsection feels “weird” when I touch it. I think it is muscle. It feels kind of hard. 2. I notice when I am in the studio I need much less space around me than I did when I started. I am really happy to find a little corner of the room where my mat will fit and about 6 inches on one side for my blocks and strap. 3. There were a couple of mornings this week that were hard to wake up for yoga. One because I was out late the night before, and one because it was cold. I notice there is a two minute “choice” period when I decide to go or not go. Holding myself to the daily yoga construct makes my choice for me. I like the structure of daily yoga. It gets rid of the need to have self control or initiative. 4. My core muscles are still less strong than I want them to be. This is obvious in all the balance poses. 5. The longer I do this, the harder it can be to quiet my mind during yoga. For me it was easy to quiet my mind in the beginning. Now it is more challenging. 6. I have some “yoga friends”. People I say hi to in the change room. As an extrovert, I like this. 7. It takes a long time to get fit when you aren’t. I started working with a trainer 19 months ago and then switched to Yoga 60 days ago. Last night we walked around at a night festival and I got tired and sore. I still have a long way to go. 8. I love my mat. It feels important to me. 9. I signed up for the mat cleaning service at the studio. This means I get to leave it on the floor and...
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It is early in the morning. I am awake. One of the dogs woke me up and now I am enjoying writing–trying not to think about how tired I am going to be if I don’t get back to bed. I’ll go to yoga in a little while but for now, it is so quiet and peaceful that I am loving writing. Tomorrow is my 50th day of yoga in a row. It has been such a lovely journey. This week I finished Moksha Yoga studio’s 30 day challenge, but because I began a 21 day challenge that overlapped, tomorrow will be 50 days for me. It has been fun to be on a shared journey with my new yoga friends. But now I feel like I am back on my own journey–isn’t exercise always a solitary journey? It seems I am always trying to find my way with exercise and peace in my soul. One of the best parts of this 50 days of yoga, is that for the last 49 days I have never felt guilty about not exercising. I haven’t felt like I “should” be doing something different. I have known what fitness I am doing and when every day. It has worked for me and has lightened the psychic load for me. My parents tithe financially, that is, they give a set amount each year to charity based on their income. I once asked my dad why they did it. He said, “I never have to wonder if I give enough.” The idea of that is fascinating and I have experienced this 50 days of yoga with parallel peace of mind about exercise. I never have to wonder if I am doing enough. Knowing I am doing enough has illuminated some of the bad advice I sometimes get, too. I saw a kinesiologist who suggested I do some cardio. “But I do yoga every day,” I said, stunned. “Yes, but that is just stretching,” he replied. “Have you ever taken...
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