I took a course from a guy named Larry Byrum in Boulder, Colorado years ago. He teaches classes on relationships and how to find the perfect partner at the Higher Alignment Center. His work is quite interesting and the system he uses has served me well. One of the aspects he talked about was “pace.” Larry used a scale of 1 to 100 to describe pace. I took courses there over 10 years ago, so apologies if I misrepresent his current teachings. He said that for a romantic relationship to work, one needs to be within 20 points of their partner on the “pace” scale. After 20, he said he didn’t recommend it. In our society people make more money if they are faster paced. Those who are slower paced make less money and are sometimes perceived as “lazy” by people who go through life at a faster pace. We have a lot of judgment about pace in our society. Those who are slower paced may wonder if they “should” be doing more. This kind of “should” pops into my work with clients fairly regularly. It is my perspective that there are no “shoulds”–simply lives full of choices, victories and gratitude. I am fairly sure Mel and I are about 20 points apart. When Mel and I are alone together we are fine. We vacation well. Sometimes he gets up early and goes off to do things while I am still hanging out. We are fairly active on vacation so it suits both of us, then I come home tired and rest. Throwing in all the kid stuff can be challenging for me. I am the slowest paced person in my family although Xander may be similar to me in his pacing. The myriad of kids’ activities leaves me exhausted by the end of the school year. Mel does more driving in the evening than I do but the constant comings and goings drain me. I give myself permission to say no to “one more...
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Some days I am overcome by love. When I pull up at the school and let my kids out, I watch them tromping off with their lunch boxes and backpacks and my heart fills up until it overflows and fills my eyes with tears. I love being married and seeing how good we can make it and how fast we can recover from when we make it bad–when we mess up and have to fix it or get over it. I read a friend’s blog recently. He was describing the death of his lover. His raw words of love touched me deeply. It was as if he opened his heart on the page–splayed open for everyone to see. It was just love. I loved him for the open-hearted love he shared. I watch my parents aging and I want to ease their way. I want them to stay eternally young like they are in my mind. I want to be able to spare them the agony of growing older. I want to protect them from the elements of time and my heart fills with love and compassion for their humanness and frailty. I love them so much and yet my love can’t keep them from experiencing their challenges. I think of two family members who got mad at me and don’t talk to me anymore. On bad days I protect myself with anger and on good days I remember that their anger can’t make me stop loving them. Memories of them fill my heart and I surreptitiously send loving thoughts their way and wish them well. I love dinner parties. There is something about the echo of laughter over food that fills my heart. I love the people I laugh with. Especially if they think my jokes are funny. I love saying I love you to friends. It was something I realized years ago. It did once go bad when I told my friend Mara I loved her in a phone message. Her husband listened...
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On August 30, 2013 we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. This is obviously a big deal for us. We never had a honeymoon, so we went to Europe for a month this summer. Also, we decided to take our kids. We figure we have about 5 more years before they’re teenagers, and we didn’t want to leave them behind. I find that even though our 10th anniversary has passed, I am not quite done with it yet. For whatever reason, this 10 year anniversary date had lots of meaning for me. Maybe more than any other date. I am not a person that remembers all the important dates. I remember birthdays for my family and my anniversary. I don’t connect to death dates although I know other people do and try to be aware of those days. My mother connects with those days and she is the family archivist. I am reassured that she has all that information even though I don’t always want to know it. Anyway, I wanted to post a few pictures from our wedding and I wanted to tell you a little bit about it. We got married right after same-sex marriage became legal in 2003. We had been in Canada about a year. We knew we wanted to get married. We had even talked about me establishing residency in Belgium by living there for 6 months so we could marry there. Marriage was an extremely important value for us and if there was a way to marry, we were going to do it. My brother visited in June, right after it was legal in Ontario, and we would have done a small intimate wedding while he was here, but since I had a foreign divorce (we were shocked to find that the USA divorce needed a written legal opinion from a Canadian lawyer), we had to submit the necessary paper work and wait. That led to planning a wedding later in the summer and then we figured we might...
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To my husband, You are the love of my life. You make my life richer, fuller, more interesting and so full of love. When we decided to join our lives together I had dreams of flowers and romance and making each other happy. And there have been days like that. But the reality of our marriage has been so much more complex. We challenge each other and take on big challenges and lifetime commitments together. We make life changing decisions together. Marriage involves an intimacy that takes my breath away when I allow myself to think about it. You have seen me at my worst and you love me anyway. You have been so incredibly mad at me and still you love me so much. The intimacy of that love year after year is astounding. At every juncture there is a choice to keep committing to our love or to get annoyed, give up and stop. Every time, you choose love. I know you love me because of how you care for our lives. The evidence of the love you have for our family is all around us. It is clear in the way you care for our children and make time for them. It is in the grass you cut, in the swimming pool you maintain, it is in the white picket fence that lines our 2-acre property that you repair and replace pickets for each year. A couple of years ago someone recommended we replace that fence with something that would require less maintenance. I couldn’t imagine trading it in–it is a symbol for me of the love in our lives. Your love shows when you give me the car with the gas tank full and make sure the oil gets changed. We haven’t chosen an easy life, but one full of love and care. You show me that love every day. When we got married, I thought marriage was about love and kisses but what I know now is that being...
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In the early days of our relationship, I used to think if we worked really hard at it, we could make our marriage better. I longed for a relationship where we told each other everything, met each others’ needs and kissed each other madly at the end of every separation. In short, I wanted more. I worked hard to get it and asked my spouse to work hard, too. In retrospect, all that longing wasn’t great for my relationship. Asking for my partner to give me more, didn’t make our relationship better. However, the desire to reduce all that conflict kept us in dialogue and helped us to change our marriage. Instead of asking for more of each other, the phrase that we laugh about repeatedly is, “If you aren’t happy in your marriage, lower your expectations!” After that, Mel always says, “If that doesn’t work, lower them some more.” In our early marriage, I had an unspoken expectation that it was Mel’s job to make me happy. Over the years, I have heard my clients suffer with these expectations. I was in agony and I hear my clients in agony because their expectations are unmet. I had to realize Mel signed up to do life with me, not in service to me. Understanding that changed everything. I watch Mel work extremely hard in our lives and I appreciate it. I realize if there is something around our house that needs doing, then I can do it, or request that he do it. And, as a kind and loving husband, he is usually happy to help with my request. I had to lower the expectations of what marriage should be (I often think of “should” as a dirty word!), and had to start appreciating what marriage is. Lowering expectations has worked wonders for our marriage–and laughing about it hasn’t hurt, either. Not having expectations of the way it is “supposed to be” has allowed us to appreciate the contributions from all of our family...
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Dear Diary, Yesterday was a crazy day. And by that, I mean that I made myself a little crazy. I created a world I don’t really want to live in–but only in my head. It has been a tough week. I have been sharing the Crucible with a focus group and I also took some entries to my writing group. Then, one of my kids told me “gay” is a bad word. We talked about it, and then I talked with the vice-principal to try to figure this out and to help the kids understand why they shouldn’t say “you’re gay” but not because “gay” is a bad word. All this has been going on, and then I sent out a page of the Crucible as a way to “come out” to a new friend about our family. I sent the page to her on Friday with a note that said how vulnerable I felt sharing it with her. Mostly I felt vulnerable because she is religious, and I honestly never know how some religious people will respond to our family. I say this, and yet in our little world, we have been extraordinarily safe. We simply haven’t come across many people who don’t like our family because we are queer. That said, I don’t test friendships with religious people very often. But we met some people we really liked and we had them over for drinks. It became clear to me that it was time to tell them. So I sent a page that described The Crucible Bookii and waited to hear back. Five days passed and I heard nothing about what I had sent her. I really couldn’t believe it. I am accustomed to the world surprising me with its acceptance. Could it be that she actually wasn’t going to respond to my coming out at all? I sent her the link on Friday, and by Wednesday I was pretty upset. I decided to send one more note, “Did you read what...
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